Exploring Sexuality through my Partner's Transition
I keep trying to find online resources about people who are happy with their partners' transitions. Everything seems to be for struggling straight people whose partners have just come out. I had some complex feelings (mostly about change & the lack of acceptance from some of my family members) at the very beginning of my fiancee's transition, but for the most part, these resources are not very relevant to my own experiences.
For one thing, I'm not and never have been straight. From adolescence, I self-identified as queer or bisexual. However, my relationships were only ever with men. I had crushes on non-men, but somehow these never developed into anything more serious. I think this largely came down to the ease of dating straight men. After all, they were more abundant, and they pursued me (often beyond the point of reasonableness) far more often. Dating men also allowed me to step into a clearly-defined pattern. It didn't feel nearly as scary and exciting as even the idea of dating someone of my own gender did--so I leaned into it for the stability and comfort of doing what was expected.
And then I met Lili. This person (who, at the time, presented as a man) did in fact feel scary and exciting. When she came out, I was initially apprehensive about her transition. However, as she's progressed, I've found myself more and more attracted to her. I'm not sure whether this comes from her just being a woman, or from her increasing confidence and happiness. It's left me questioning my own sexuality. I feel as though I've resoundingly confirmed my interest in women. But I am unsure whether the less passionate feelings I felt towards the men I dated previously were due to a lack of attraction towards that gender, or just a result of the specific people I was choosing to date.
For now, I'm still most comfortable with the label of "queer" for myself--after all, I am definitely attracted to women. Men? I thought I was in the past, but when I compare that to my feelings towards Lili.... I'm not so sure.